By Neil Millar Ive got one big question. Its a question that will make everything in your relationship completely worthwhile even the bits that get on your nerves and cause you head and heart aches Its the type of question you wouldnt ordinarily ask - but thats okay, because you didnt know to ask it until now! For most people, relationships dont go smoothly. Undercurrents, disputes, emotions, periods, children, habits, morals, values, work hours and workloads, these are just a few of the kind of things that can cause conflicts. But what if I told you something What if I told you its not about the issue? My philosophy is that no issue is bigger than the relationship. If were honest its never really the issue that causes the problem. What causes the problem is the emotions behind the issue. And what causes the emotions? What causes the our relationship conflicts is, at the core, very rarely the issue thats in front of us now. This may seem hard to take at first so let me explain a little more. When we react to something someone says or does we are in effect re-acting - behaving in way we acted before. This is what we might call learned behaviour. We may have learned that behaviour in a number of ways: watching our parents behaviour in a relationship, seeing it on TV, our own experience etc. Are these learned re-actions appropriate in all circumstances? Id say no. A few days ago my partner made a sweeping statement that well to be frank, pushed all my buttons. What she said was like a red rag to a bull. Thankfully I caught myself before any real damage was done. I immediately knew there was nothing wrong with what she had said, or how she had said it. But the words she used, reminded me of someone else and a pattern of behaviour I ran with them. This is the type of conditioned, unconscious, response Im talking about. If your partner presses your buttons does it mean the relationship bad? Conflict doesnt have to mean the relationship is bad. It can indicate that you, or your partner, or most probably both of you, on occasions, have some things that you need to become more aware of. If you can begin to view your relationship as a playground to work these things out, the relationship can become a whole new arena of fun and games. And this is where my question can really help My question will get you thinking about the how you can help yourself and your relationship become a harmonious haven rather than a gladiators ring. It will help you be a more understanding person for your partner and it will help to spare you from saying things youll regret later. The question is profoundly simple. But when you ask it and use the outcome effectively you begin to take your relationship onto a new level. Things that used to cause you problems will vanish. And when new things come up theyll have very little power. When you find your buttons have been pushed the question you have to ask is this: Whats this really about? Simple isnt it. But it takes you right to the heart of the matter. As I said, relationship conflict is rarely about an issue and more to do with the conditioned responses. By asking my question what you do is take the conditioned behaviour and transform it into the conscious. In effect what begins to happen is this: you move beyond the past conditioned response that causes conflict and are left with the current issue. This question allows you to understand whats going on inside you. Knowing this means you can then bypass the past and deal with what is currently before you. But what if you dont want to move beyond the past? Then I guess youll continue to re-act it out until the pain and loss get the better of you. My very good wishesNeil I hope that my newsletter, on creating a better life, will help you create a life you deserve. Find out more at http://www.neilmillar.net Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Neil_Millar http://EzineArticles.com/?The-Big-Question-for-Any-Relationship&id=371674 interest rates on personal loans fast secured loan fast personal loans deposited next day no money down bad credit auto loans
